Moving back to California after an eleven year absence, one would expect a few cultural clashes. Let me state for the record, I do not believe on the whole southerners are nicer than people in California. But I do believe most southerners are raised with a stricter sense of manners than most Californians. (Yes, this is an over generalization, because I have known rude southerners and polite Californians, added to this of course is the influx of New Yorkers to the research triangle park and their effect on the Raleigh Durham area decidedly raising the asshole quota in the area, but on average...Southerners are more polite).
Case in point, Rusty was singing at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco a few weeks back (The Passion of Joan of Arc, an excellent silent movie with a score written in the mid 80's, fascinating story, check it out on wikipedia). I've had the remnants of a cough for quite sometime. In the first part of the movie I had a tickle I couldn't dislodge and coughed five or six times. The person in front of me stage whispered as loud as possible without being heard by the conductor "Enough!" Well, embarrassed but realizing that I must have been real annoying for him to react so emphatically, I leaned forward, and said, "I'm sorry, but I can't control this cough." In my job, it is clear when someone is irritated or angry the best thing to do is to avoid a power struggle and actually talk to the person. He remarked back with a high degree of acidity, "Then you should take yourself to the lobby." Of course this just got my blood boiling.
I seethed through the movie, consequently reducing my cough considerably. I was waiting for the chance to inform the man that many others in the theatre were unaware of his rule of coughing or clearing throats only in the lobby. As we all know, I have a tendency to be somewhat aggressive in this type of situation, but was actually trying to take the high road. The man making the remarks quickly shuffled his wife out before the standing ovation had finished in order to avoid a confrontation with sweet gentle moi. If there is something I hate worse than rudeness, it is certainly the cowardice exhibited by this man. Instead I had to just glare at the back of his head as he hurriedly left, as he conspicuously avoided eye contact. Had we been in a theatre in Raleigh, I'm pretty sure the same scenario would have been much more civil and considerate. The desired effect would have been the same, as a matter of fact, I would have probably excused myself to the lobby based on a mere suggestion rather than a commandment from the theatre police.
Do manners matter? Manners are different based on regions, situations and class. Manners are a matter of custom (i.e. a hand shake), consideration (i.e. giving up a seat to an elderly person), or common sense (all manners have an element of common sense). Although somewhat subjective, still important. Truly, the most important of these is consideration, because we are talking about preserving people's feelings. We are meant to live in a civil society, truly being mannerly is the grease to ease the cogs of our often difficult and complex life.
If manners are important, why don't more people endeavor to exhibit manners and/or teach manners to their children? Sometimes, I think manners have given way to our rights. A sense of entitlement means never having to say sorry, or please, or thank you.
Sometimes manners require us to be patient and to delay our wants. In the instant gratification, Burger King, Have it Your Way world we live in, there isn't much time for manners. I'm amazed at the insistence of many Californians for accepting others, yet don't take the time to show consideration for individuals.
We've lived here eighteen months and as of yet, not a single person has brought over a bowl of chili or a plate of cookies (two things that happened to us in the RDU area). I like many things about California, but I truly miss the hospitality and manners so easily evident in North Carolina.
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